Hardcore Job Search Commencing

I've hit the final breaking point with my job. I have heard far too many times through the grapevine that there are problems with what I am doing and/or that I am doing things I should not be doing. Nothing is ever actually said to me though. Oddly enough, when I speak with the persons reportedly doing the speaking about my performance, they say things are fine. It would seem that there is some expectation that I should magically know what I am not supposed to do and not do it or what I am supposed to do and do it.

I would be happy to not do bad things or to change my behavior if someone would tell me what they want from me. I even specifically asked what I could/should be doing differently the last time I sat down with my supervisors. There were minor suggestions. I have attempted to implement these suggestions. I have been specifically asking co-workers on a regular basis what I can do to help them. I get told "I'll let you know if I need anything." So, what do I hear at lunch conversations or during breaks when co-workers are in each other cubes gossiping? About how horribly busy they are, that they are completely swamped and could really use help. I have gone up and said, I can help out, just tell me what you need. "Oh, it's not really that bad." Right. Ok. So what you really mean is that you are absolutely certain I have nothing to offer. I'm the only person with any formal training in how to do that job, but I am considered useless for some infuriating and unknown reason. I don't get it, unless the true problem is that allowing me to help would take away their chance to complain.

Today's aggravating moments included half a dozen different people asking me why I wasn't out at a bioterrorism training exercise I didn't even know about because they were sure I was supposed to be there. Of course, several months ago the BT staff were told to stop asking me things to work on things with them, despite the fact that my salary is actually paid out of BT money. The day ended with myself and one other co-worker being the only two people in our side of the office. Co-worker #3 comes up and starts talking to co-worker #2 in a whisper. I didn't think anything of it, until I got up to check the fax machine, stretch my injured hip and get a drink of water. The whispering stops after they see/hear me. I leave. When I return, again I hear the whispering, until they see me, when it stops, but then starts again after I'm in my cube. Next time I think I'll just tell them that I'll go somewhere else so I don't get in the way of whatever it is they have to whisper about since my presence is apparently intrusive. (For all I know they weren't talking about me, but it pisses me off that it happens on a regular basis when I go to/from my cube. I feel the urge on many days to walk around with my hands on my ears and announcing my approach so I don't inconvenience anybody. Why the heck they can't go somewhere AWAY from my cube to have whatever discussion I cannot be allowed to hear, I do not know. I just can't believe they think they're being discreet. Then again, I also happen to be of the opinion that if you are having a conversation at work which nobody else is allowed to hear, perhaps it's not really appropriate to be having it at work. But then we all know that I'm a weirdo.)

If I had 6 mos salary saved up, I'd quit on the 31st (finishing out the pay period), sell my house and move, figuring out the job thing later. In any event, I will not be here in 12 more months, come heck or high water. I'll even take a paycut and give up working in the field in which I got my degree, just to get a job and get the heck out of here. I cannot and will not continue to work in an office where the people I work for refuse to tell me things I need to know, who exclude me from discussions then don't understand when I don't know what they're talking about and who find talking about people to be a valid method of communication. It's far too aggravating, frustrating and enraging. I've already tried three times to address this sort of crap, by asking what we can all do to change things and telling them that I have problems working in the current situation. Ain't nothing changed. It's very clear that it will never change. They win. I quit. They can keep their smug superiority complexes and gossip mongering. I'd rather work with honest, open straight-forward people who dislike me but are trustworthy than the cliqueish Janus-faced bunch I work with now. I'm sure they'll be happy that I'm gone and will have fun making up stories about me.

(I really am trying to keep a good attitude about everything and not let poopyheads get to me or wreck my mood. I'm sorry I'm failing miserably at the moment. I really just wish people would tell me what the heck the problem with me is instead of treating me like either a pariah or like absolutely nothing is wrong. A little honesty would go a long way.)

About the Hip
I overslept this morning so didn't get to the gym. My sister advised I should do 10 min walking, some stretching, 20 min walking and more stretching, then stop for the day. I tried to get up every 50 minutes at work and walk to the other end of the building so I didn't get all stiffened up. I don't know that it helped. I thought about getting on my trainer tonight, but I'm about brain dead thanks to 7.5 hours of mindnumbing data cleaning. Maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, acetominophen and some heat on my hip are my friend.


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